The world created abusers..

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How do I feel?      I ask my clients this , day after day , coaching them to get in touch with their emotions, trying to create a secure relationship between us, trying to get them to attach to me..

Most of my clients never attached to their mothers , their mothers were drunk, nasty , selfish,  absent , abused themselves  or just poorly and I wonder if,   in my little corner of the world whether I am making a difference in these peoples’ lives?

I come to work 5 days a week , from the cosy support of my reasonable functional (I say this with some sarcasm!)   family and listen to tales of really sad and sordid lives and think to myself,         My God.. what went wrong?       Of course ,    I imagine  My God would say , “well , this is human life, human choices, I gave you a blue print on how to live and mankind duly ignored it ”      but this doesn’t stop me feeling so sad for these people , some young women , not even out of teenage years, having seen life at its most obscene.. What chance have they got to see the beauty of God? Well , they are in my prayers.  It’s possible that noone has ever prayed for these people before, so there is hope , God can perform miracles at any time and with any person and I find myself knowing , with steadfast stubborness , that I am exactly where God wants me to be , and I ask myself , how do I feel ?  I   feel pretty self assured, I have the Lord with me, my job is his work and I love it.

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Clear road ahead..

Yesterday I allowed myself a break from the norm..

The norm , amazingly , is now clean eating.  We had a little lunch do at work for a colleague who was getting married,  I had my prepared lunch (leftovers) with me and brought berries for pudding as my contribution.  However,   once I saw the array of bread , cheese , hummus , crisps, meats  & homemade muffins    I knew that I would ,  for lunch only  , put aside my strict regime to indulge in some shared eats.   And it felt healthly .  It was healthy to not be constrictive all the time , it was healthy to eat with people ,  it was healthy to learn to eat ‘ forbidden’  foods in a controlled way!      I enjoy eating clean   ,  I know that it is something that I will always need to follow relatively consistently,    for I am a recovering compulsive overeater & sugar addict.     Four months ago I was 16 stone.   I am now 13.6 stone.   And for me to say that this was a break from the norm is a massive step forward,   for I have moved from ‘  being on a diet ‘   to being normal,   to eating the way I want to eat.   It has taken 20 years to come to this astonishing place in my life, whereby I have learned to love myself so much that I want to give myself what I have always yearned for ,  a slim & light body  , which is at peace with itself.   And although I am  still on my journey ,  I can  see the road clearly…

Emotions have surfaced.

Today , I cried at work.

 

I felt somewhat attacked within the confines of our Team meeting.   They were healthy tears however  and I almost felt my  honest and open souled (if that’s a word) blundering was deeply appreciated..    I voiced how inadequate and inexperienced I had been made to feel ,  which in turn appeared to allow others the space to actually talk about what they were feeling.   This may sound like an odd work meeting to you,  and it is !  But I work within a therapy team in mental health.  Our meetings are a hub of mindfulness,   breathing and centering ourselves for is what normally , pretty intense and interesting work.   Yet , mine were the first tears  I have encountered since I have been there.  Perhaps ,        I have broken the ice..