But the world doesn’t know me – that’s the difference.

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This week is a ” craving ”    week and a ‘ negative thought ‘ week (so far..)

I don’t know why ? Putting 2 lbs on , after not really over eating , apart from alot of crisps at the BBQ is what is sending me over the edge I suppose. I know that this is a way of eating for me now and that God is teaching me patience in the way I am losing sporadically and sometimes gaining , I suppose when I get to my goal , I will have to consistently be re-addressing myself and that this is the practice leading up to it so that I am able to maintain.         I almost feel that I can write August off;   going camping this weekend, then off on holiday , but in the meanwhile , I have to practise being ‘ normal ‘ , eating cleanly and with ideas of nourishment only. But I am being a bit hounded by cravings   and it’s almost as though,    now I have taken a back seat on the whole emotional side of things and have relaxed into it , I am being tested….

I set up this Word Press thing, as I was uncomfortable with my journal – it is so immensely private , and it sits in my desk at work , safely. When it was at home , I was constantly anxious about where I had left it ,   was my husband going to read about the soul searching things I had written , would my mother read about how irritating I found her…          So I have left it at work , where it feels secure – but what do I do with it?       What happens if I die?      I am not comfortable with anyone reading it.    Yet , I don’t want my thoughts and my amazing self discoveries to be lost in the sands of time.    I would , I suppose , like my daughter to have it , when she is grown up (she is 9) but , there is still the issue of what to do with this hot potato in the mean time ..

So , I decided to take my musings online, it’s a safe space, its annonymous, and for the first couple of posts, I think I was writing for the reader, but nobody reads them… I don’t know if this takes time , for people to start reading a blog and I think that actually , it isn’t really for others,     it’s for me …. So why didn’t I just have an online private journal?      I think mainly , because I hope to make a difference to others,  in some way..    If that happens , great , if it doesn’t , then I have my little blog, that I can refer to whenever I want , just like my journal , but it’s safe! And that in itself is  odd! I don’t want to have my journal uncovered but I am happy to blog to the world. But the world doesn’t know me – that’s the difference.

However,   surely ,   my journal was unrestrained ..  my deepest,  darkest secrets were not exposed (of which there aren’t many..)  but everything else was &   I want to be able to maintain that integrity and openess to myself ,  I want to blog with boldness!  To do that ,  I think I have to talk to myself..  Not to you..

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