Today I came out..

Today I came out .  Not in the traditional sense of the word but in a ‘  I no longer believe in what you do sense ‘

I just don’t believe in Hell ,  I told my closest friends.  I can’t get over it and it changes everything.     How did I not realise this before? I have been a ‘  Christian ‘  for 10 years.   But you know , sometimes ,  the simplest things take a long time to register in your mind.   Someone finally gives up smoking ,    or loses weight or changes career – often surprising all those around them –    something just clicks into place.

How do you cope when your life as you knew it shifts into a new direction with different roads to travel and traffic jams of doubt and anxiety jarring the way.

The road less travelled is a tricky one.    Developing your own sense of self belief ,   depending upon your own thoughts and conclusions, not those of men.   It takes a certain kind of courage that I am not sure I have.

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The fragility of the mind

It’s been such a weird day today.   I worked on a  psych ward for the first time in ages; with teenagers and I just felt surreal.   I think coming from my own life where I am constantly fighting battles to be the best person I can be for my teenagers,  it just felt slightly odd to be in that maternal role again but as a professional.  I left my shift feeling a bit empty and sad.   The fragility of the mind .   I stood in the room of one young woman,   moved from pillar to post all her life ,  she couldn’t speak ,  she was so lost in her own sorrow and hopelessness ,   I just stood talking softly about nothing much ,  for quite a long time.   I think that perhaps has left me with this emptiness.   That my small role today ,  most likely didn’t make a blind bit of difference in her tragic story .  That my sense of omnipotence was put firmly back in its place.

I then spend the afternoon with my daughter,   thankful for those relational moments,  the sweetness of her laugh and trust in me.   Sad at the shortfall  of  attachment to something good ,  for the lost girl on  the ward  – who languishes between child and adult hood,  unsure of who will care for her next.

 

Losing my faith yet gaining my freedom.

A crow came into my life last week. She was a baby who couldn’t yet fly ;  somehow , she got into my dining room. When I sat down next to her , my face close up to hers, she turned and looked at me , stared at me for a long time, I was mesmerised by her gaze, afraid to look away and lose the moment. In her eyes I sensed the wisdom of 1000 ‘s of years . .. She looked old , she looked as though she knew every inch of my being.

She was a pivotal moment in my currently confused and disordered mind. My faith , as I knew it , hangs by a thread. And in that moment , I realised that the universe & eternity are so much bigger and richer than I ever dared to imagine, the boxes that I have lived in are containers for those who cannot bear to be in unknown places. The need to conform lies deep within our souls.