I thought that I was a ‘ feeling ‘ kind of person, emotional , honest, passionate & transparent. But I am not. I realised this week , that like some of my fellows in our Group Therapy , I hide away , I block things, I use earthly things (food mainly) to fill the void that I am often unaware of. My mother’s pending diagnosis of dementia, my daughters all encompassing anxiety , my son’s wild ways: all taken in my stride, all seemingly handled well and with the confidence of a therapist who helps other people to do the same with their lives. Except , I am not heeding my own advice. Sit with the feelings, stay with the unknown, be aware of the strategies you do to avoid the feelings , talk to the people you love about the way you feel , take to group therapy the difficulties you have with yourself . I feel like I am this robust , well – rounded character and in many ways, I am , but within that , I also need to allow myself to accept my blind side. The side that finds it difficult to tell my mum I love her, that yearns for her son to love her with intensity , that wants to control my daughter’s destiny & thinks she knows best with her husband all the time. I have struggled to concentrate this week, I read this book recently called ” Breaking up with your phone “ . I felt euphoric, like I had discovered the answer to all my ills, that my phone was eviscerating my very self, yet , this week, with a fractured ankle and plenty of time to rest and re- read Eckart Tolle , I end up , endless scrolling through fucking Facebook (on line , as I at least deleted the APP) and reading shite articles , that I hadn’t chosen or sought out for myself. I could feel my consciousness screaming at me , let me out , your EGO is trying to smother me ! I keep getting little snippets of goodness, OH I want to go blog, journal , draw , meditate … But NO , I ‘ll lay here mindlessly a bit longer watching shit. Yesterday , I watched , for no reason whatsoever , the old classic ” Midnight Express “ . I love Prison films.. Shawshank Redemption is my all time favourite film. It must be the breaking free that I love! Well tonight , I am breaking free, I am writing , I have put down my phone, now I am going to read. I am not turning the telly on. Although I do feel tempted now to watch my favourite film again! LOL. I haven’t seen the end of it for years, as It’s always on so late and I am never prepared to sacrifice my precious sleep.
Well haven’t I warbled on in a good fashion? Since I am on a crusade to only do things for me , I am not going to edit this post, to make sure it is liked , loved or funnier. I am just letting it be me.