Step Away from the

I thought that I was a  ‘ feeling ‘  kind of person,   emotional ,  honest, passionate & transparent.   But I am not.   I realised this week ,   that like some of my fellows in our Group Therapy ,  I hide away ,   I block things,   I use earthly things (food mainly)  to fill the void that I am often  unaware of.   My mother’s pending diagnosis of dementia,  my daughters all encompassing anxiety ,  my son’s wild ways:   all taken in my stride,   all seemingly handled well and with the confidence of a therapist who helps other people to do the same with their lives.   Except ,  I am not heeding my own advice.    Sit with the feelings,   stay with the unknown,  be aware of the strategies you do to avoid the feelings ,  talk to the people you love about the way you feel ,  take to group therapy the difficulties you have with yourself .  I feel like I am  this robust , well – rounded character    and in many ways,  I am ,    but within that ,  I also need to allow myself to accept my blind side.    The side that finds it difficult to tell my mum I love her,    that yearns for her son to love her with intensity ,  that wants to control my daughter’s destiny & thinks she knows best with her husband all the time.   I have struggled to concentrate this week,    I read this book recently  called   ” Breaking up with your phone “  .    I felt euphoric,   like I had discovered the answer to all my ills,  that my phone was eviscerating  my very self,    yet ,  this week,  with a fractured ankle and plenty of time to rest and re- read  Eckart Tolle ,   I end up ,  endless scrolling through fucking Facebook     (on line , as I at least deleted the APP) and reading shite articles ,  that I hadn’t chosen or sought out for myself.     I could feel my consciousness screaming at me ,  let me out ,    your EGO is trying to smother me !    I keep getting little snippets of goodness,   OH I want to go blog,  journal ,   draw , meditate … But NO ,  I ‘ll lay here mindlessly a bit longer watching shit.     Yesterday ,  I watched ,   for no reason whatsoever ,  the old classic ”  Midnight Express “ .     I love Prison films..      Shawshank Redemption is my all time favourite film.    It must be the breaking free that I love!    Well tonight , I am breaking free,   I am writing ,   I have put down my phone,   now I am going to read.  I am not turning the telly on.    Although I do feel tempted now to watch my favourite film again! LOL.  I haven’t seen the end of it for years,  as It’s always on so late and I am never prepared to sacrifice my precious sleep.

Well haven’t I warbled on in a good fashion?       Since I am on a crusade to only do things for me , I am not going to edit this post,  to make sure it is  liked ,  loved or   funnier.  I am just letting it be me.

closeup photo of person holding panasonic remote control in front of turned on smart television
Photo by on



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s