On the day before Christmas Eve, I oscillate between 2 worlds. The world of awakening and the world of the ego. I titter on the bridge between them , stepping in and out , unable to remain in one place. Unable to stabilise myself. I get surges of love and divine presence toward my family in one breath and then feel tremendous sorrow at the thought that my children don’t even see the importance of buying me a present. I see the sorrow of the world and then get lost in the sorrow of my own basic pains.
How can I become divine if I am so easily swaying toward my human heart which tugs itself with voracity in to human conflict. How do I shed the need to scream about my own need for love and recognition?
I want it to not matter that my two teenagers haven’t bothered to get me anything for Christmas, I want it to not matter that my husband hasn’t organised them and enforced some sort of maternal devotion. How do I step out of this painful place that is in such need of care & attention? How do I essentially practise what I preach , that we don’t give to receive? But it isn’t about getting a present. It’s about the thought , it’s about the thinking and the drive that comes from wanting to give. The passion that comes with wanting to choose something for someone. That my children lack that for me presses my painful triggers of unimportance. I think it is most painful from my daughter. My son is chaotic , unorganised , terrible with money. There is a desire there but no ability to fill it, with my daughter , she seems entirely cut off. Like it matters not.
It’s a first world problem , I know. But I am unravelling within it and I sense a need to expose this wound with dramatic flare should it come to pass . Like a toddler who is furious on discovering that he isn’t the centre of the universe ! Such massive disparities between who I am and who I want to become. How to I embody grace and humility when my ego wants to punish and humiliate?