40 something musings.

I got the job ,  I took the job.  I handed in my notice.

Goodness gracious me ,  it’s been such a time of change for me , since I turned 40 ,  there have been such huge shifts in many areas of my life.  I wouldn’t change being 40.    40 has brought freedom,  acceptance ,  untrodden depth in my marriage ,  huge shifts in where I see myself in this unfathomable place we call Earth.     I have connected myself together, going back in time to bring back and merge the little girl with the mature woman,   embracing and forgiving the young woman I was  for her stupidity.   I have become all the parts of me.   I am 44 later in the year.    Life feels like an expanse of time and yet a day till I die.    What can I do to embrace this place ,   that I live and that now sit as a woman.    A funny , compassionate , bright , sensitive woman.    I love all the parts of me. I love the dark parts that think dreadful thoughts and then laugh with myself.  I love that I am my own best friend.    I love that my husband is now my other best friend.   I can even forgive myself for taking up smoking again after 12 years .   This Is just something I need right now.   And a new job.   The courage to leave a place which has been a major factor in my growth.  A place which has taught me so many things about people and myself.     I take flight , with strong wings and a sad heart.    But know that the places that I will go ,  will only strengthen the woman that I have become.

silhouette of woman during sunset
Photo by Carl Newton on Pexels.com


As I sit on the brink of another weekend,   the desire to feel inspired by music , nature,   conversation , anything stimulating is apparent to me.     I have spent a long time hiding behind a veil of conformity and now that has lifted ,   it is as though my heart seeks to fill all the missing parts of me that got cut off.    Unaware of this prison that I was in ,  I  subconsciously avoided any part of life which might have shone light on the person locked away .   How did I get so lost?    What was missing within me that sought such containment?    What was I afraid of ?

I yearn to blog with dazzling brilliance about how I have learnt to accept and love myself.     But I can’t.