Shame and the Shadow self.

I have really managed to get to the root of something tonight.    I was reading  Lo’s Book on Emotional Sensitivity and there was a part about delving into your shadow self,   shadow work has been something that I have wanted to work on for a while and I never really knew how to begin or what to do .  I yearned for a manual and exercises to do.  I like structure !

Anyway,   I was trying to get to grips with my irritation at my mother,    why do simple things get to me so much    Why when she goes shopping and leaves it all out for the world to see do I want to hurl it across the kitchen.  Why do I doggedly refuse to put it away and then cave in  due to my indescribable need for order.  So I worked it all out on my dog walk ,  summoning all the higher powers in my life to help me.   I realised that this example and others that I searched the realms of my mind for ,  opened up the realisation that my dark shadows consist of neediness, self righteousness , selfishness and an insatiable desire for recognition.  The irritation I feel at others,  is often a reflection of what I dislike in myself .  But this dislike is inextricably linked to my girl self ,  who was often told ‘ you’re too spoilt  , calm down , you’re too much ‘  .      So that shame learnt at an early age is triggered by this irritation ,   which until now ,  was in the dark recesses  of my mind.    That shame was soothed by food ,  then as the years went by , drugs,  alcohol , shopping.  You name it .   Which is why  I so often  struggle to manage myself ,  be healthy ,   be self controlled.   The shame is so guttural and innate until today ,   just for today I guess,  the start of acceptance.

silhouette of girl during night time painting
Photo by Suvan Chowdhury on

I can’t be the woman I am ; compassionate ,  funny ,  kind ,   authentic , honest, warm and humble ,  without the darkness that provides the opposing nature.   There are no trees without sun and rain ,    no  joy without sorrow,    no breath without air.   So  , by accepting my desperate need for attention  , love and recognition I am embracing my full self ,  which encompasses light and dark ,  reflecting my place in this collective consciousness .

So , the shopping left on the side,  represents my envy at others who too desire this.   If we don’t recognise our envy ,  we project it back out in passive aggressive actions.   Realising this   ,   peace descended on my soul.   My darkness is me ,   it has to be loved and embraced.  It won’t heal without light.  As I sat in the sun today ,  I felt a sense of healing ,   my body loves the sun,  it reaps rewards from its energy and rays,   my nails  grow , my skins glows,   I feel alive.    This is reflected so powerfully in my emotional being.     Just like the song by Leonard Cohen ,   ”  there is a crack in everything , that’s how the light shines in ” .    My cracks need attention   🙂