Day 1 . UK lockdown

The ‘  Lockdown ‘   phrase is very dramatic,    and certainly for the UK it is rather over emphasised.     The British government are relying on people to use their integrity to follow guidance  ,    which ,  on one hand there are vast amounts of people that will   but there are certainly those who will only follow guidelines as long as it doesn’t affect them too much  and of course there are those who rally against authority and want to directly challenge.

This world we wake up to each morning currently is one of fear and damn right weirdness.    I wake up from such odd dreams of which I can’t recall but know that they are filled with chaos.

Our household is a cauldron of germs ,  irritability , home working , home schooling, overeating  & a dog .    My husband and I have the suspected virus ,  my 76 year old mother is a mixture of fear and outrage  at her imprisioned fate  ,  my children are rather above the whole thing.   The wonder of youth ,    thinks nothing can touch it.

I oscillate between obsessive cleaning and keeping people to their rooms,  to

‘  fuck it  ,   we are all gonna get it anyway ‘    moments.

I mean , seriously ,  how can one household  , with two coughing people  really arm itself against a virus that can live on surfaces for 72 hours!         Every time I see chrome I get the wipes out.     There’s a lot of chrome in my house ..

So ,   being a nurse ,    there is an expectation that we don our shield of fire and get out on that front line.     I have been on leave and now I am in self isolation,    so I have ,  as of yet not been out on that front line.     I feel a bit guilty about my general nurse counterparts who are literally fighting fluids,   but then I never signed up for that sort of nursing.

Part of me feels that my early exposure to this virus is a way of arming me ,     so that I can go out there when it all kicks off and make a difference.      I have laid awake at night with a heavy chest,   fearful of an unknown enemy burrowing into my lungs,   I have wondered how my children will cope upon my death ,    I have laid awake all night with the anxiety of a 1000 fears.     I have had my own mental health shattered by this and have used all my resources that I pitch to my patients every day to pull me through the storm.     It may sound dramatic ,   but at the time ,  that’s what it felt like.          And I had for the first time a sense of my own mortality and it was frightening.

I really want to keep a record of these times,    they have an unknown quality to them ,    they bring such strange silver linings.    At sunrise ,    I went for a (very solitary) walk on the common with my dog.   The trees are out  in full blossom  ,   heavy and brimming with life and colour.  As the world goes into lock down ,  mother nature this side of the equator  is just awakening.   She doesn’t stop for any  man .

She is resplendent .

She heaves her bosom and offers the world her milk.

Today my son looked so stoned it reminded me of my youth.     I look at his spaced out face ,   and goofy grin and I just can’t feel any anger .      What is an 18 year old in self isolation to do but smoke weed and eat pancakes?   Certainly it’s exactly what I would have done at his age .   It’s certainly preferable to the thought that he’s out there being defiant but then again it’s only Day 1.

I pray for patience  , humility and kindness.

photo of woman wearing white shirt
Photo by Brett Sayles on


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