AS we approach the 4th week of lockdown , I have realised that actually , life is better, things are moving more fluidly in life. The only thing I am missing is seeing our friends , who we regularly see for fellowship. I actually don’t miss much else, there is peace in the slower solitary pace of life. No commitments, no need to check yourself on whether you should be attending a social event, no pressure to commit to anything. I think my introverted self has tentatively come out to play. She is unsure of how to proceed as she has never been placed in a position of such freedom! Life, I have come to realise is just too fucking hectic , too much pressure, too many expectations , it’s not good for the soul! Normally my home life is a bit toxic, people are irritated with one another, there is lots of currents of aggression , the whirlwind of life that follows us all from external sources creates tension, projections & trauma. But that whirlwind has ceased. You would think from our usual state of family life that it would be made much worse by imposed confinement ! But amazingly and surprisingly it’s quite the opposite. And this further strengthens my beliefs that Brooks (Shawshank Redemption) was right when he came out of his confinement and realised that “the world went and got itself in a big damn hurry “. We however are seeing it from the other side, we have been living in it and this has made us see our chaos , how we have been going catastrophically wrong.
I used to ‘ housekeep ‘ now I create. I create clean , uncluttered space. I create lovely meals, muffins & brownies, I create long salt soaked baths. I create fresh ground on my allotment , I create words on a page which capture the moments of my life that would be forever eradicated to the sands of time , I create gratitude for my life which provides me with money , food , shelter & safety. I create a more loving relationship with my family . And this is due to space , time & freedom which this lockdown has created.
Today is Easter Sunday , for many years I was a devoted Christian but in recent times, I have created a freedom for myself , I no longer succumb to man made religion, my spirituality is of my own creation , it is all mine, it is unique , fluid and ever changing. Cherry blossoms are the light in my life at the moment. They line the streets of my hometown and the cemeteries where I walk with my adored mutt. They are heavy and laden with blossom , they look like they will collapse under the pressure of their bounty – they whisper such greatness , I honestly think if I could only ever see one thing in nature again , I would choose the cherry blossom.
One day , when I move house, which I eventually will probably do , I want my own tree.