I feel a bit defeated. I struggle with food , I always have . We have a love – hate relationship and rarely manage to create a harmonious balance. 5 years ago this week, I embarked on yet another ‘ diet ‘ – ‘ new start ‘ – ‘ regime ‘ , whatever you like to call it . It felt different to other times , it had an energy and vigour behind it which I rarely managed to summon. It took me on a roller coaster journey for the last 5 years. I lost all my weight in the first year; 6 stone. I kept if off for 2 years but in the last 2 years I have slowly but steadily put around 3 stone of it back on. Still 3 stone down from my initial beginning , but it is the depressing merry go round of my life, I thought at 40 – I had actually managed to nail the whole yo-yo’ing , overeating , restricting thing to a structured and healthy place. I journeyed through devout religious devotion incorporating the Overeaters Anonymous ‘ higher power ‘ and have been back in and out of that & sugar abstinence. I gave up my religion and experienced a catastrophic faith shift , of which I am still picking up the pieces . But now, sitting in this global pandemic , of which fear and anxiety are rife , I am a food catastrophe. I feel calm , contained and riding the storm of these times yet I am out of control in the one thing in my life that need reins.
I literally can feel the weight creeping round my bones, softening my ribs and shoulders , cushioning my stomach , my thighs rub together, yet still , I eat.
I know that the whole Overeaters anonymous thing works for me, I know that yes I am rather insane around food , that I seem powerless to halt the crashing tide, But something prevents me from being able to commit with my whole heart to the program. I think it reminds me too much of religion, the same core rule books, learning the same things over again and repeating them to others and in your mind , I listen to others and hear the buzz words of ‘ truth ‘ , ‘ in the food’ &. ‘ acceptance ‘ and I just feel irritated, I think perhaps I am irritated with myself that I can’t just be allowed to do this on my own. And yet , I still have the optimism to believe that I can .
I know one thing, I don’t want to eat sugar. It’ s really bad for you and it causes cancer. But If I eat sugar , then I just want to eat more, so the only way is abstinence from sugar. I did that for many months alone but something always breaks me , normally a holiday , a break from the norm , an ice cream on a hot day , a desire to bake. The whole tantalising sensory experience of baking is something I have never been able to step away from .
I feel defeated . I struggle with food. We all have our battles I guess.