My thighs rub together.

I feel a bit defeated.   I struggle with food , I  always have .  We have a love  – hate relationship and  rarely manage to create a harmonious balance.   5 years ago this week,   I embarked on yet another  ‘  diet ‘  –   ‘  new start ‘ –   ‘  regime ‘ ,   whatever you like to call it .    It felt different to other times , it had an energy and vigour behind it which I rarely managed to summon.     It took me on a roller coaster journey for the last 5 years.  I lost all my weight in the first year;   6 stone.  I kept if off for 2 years but in the last 2 years I have slowly but steadily put around 3 stone of it back on.   Still 3 stone down from my initial beginning ,   but it is the depressing merry go round of my life,   I thought at 40 –  I had actually managed to nail the whole yo-yo’ing , overeating , restricting thing to a structured and healthy place.      I journeyed through devout religious devotion incorporating the Overeaters Anonymous ‘  higher power ‘    and have been back in and out of that & sugar abstinence.  I gave up my religion and experienced a catastrophic faith shift ,  of which I am still picking up the pieces .        But now,    sitting in this global pandemic ,   of which fear and anxiety are rife ,   I am a food catastrophe.    I feel calm ,   contained and riding the storm of these times yet I am out of control in the one thing in my life that need reins.

I literally can feel the weight creeping round my bones,    softening my ribs and shoulders ,    cushioning my stomach ,  my thighs rub together,  yet still ,   I eat.

I know that the whole Overeaters anonymous thing works for me,    I know that yes I am rather insane around food ,    that I  seem powerless to halt the crashing tide,    But something prevents me from being able to commit with my whole heart to the program.     I think it reminds me too much of religion,     the same core rule books,  learning the same things over again and repeating them to others and in your mind ,     I listen to others and hear the buzz words of ‘  truth ‘   , ‘ in the food’    &. ‘ acceptance ‘  and I just feel irritated,     I think perhaps I am irritated with myself that I can’t just be allowed to do this on my own.     And yet ,    I still have the optimism to believe that I can .

I know one thing,    I don’t want to eat sugar.  It’ s really bad for you and it causes cancer. But If I eat sugar ,   then I just want to eat more,  so the only way is abstinence from sugar.       I did that for many months alone but something always breaks me , normally a holiday ,   a break from the norm ,   an ice cream on a hot day ,    a desire to bake.  The whole tantalising sensory experience of baking is something I have never been able to   step away from .

I feel defeated .  I struggle with food.   We all have our battles I guess.

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