There are so many things that I want to do , so many habits that I want to cultivate. Journalling here , how long is it since I have done this? Months. Yoga regularly , daily meditation, putting a load of washing in each day and putting it away, taking my supplements, going to bed early , not drinking wine. . The list is often the same yet nothing much changes. Sometimes this gets me down , all the things that I want to do but don’t. What is this consistent cognitive dissonance in my life?
Today , I let my bike go. It literally fell apart a couple of weeks ago, the gear box and chain just fell off as I struggled up a steep hill. I took it to get fixed , but it just wasn’t worth it. I have had my bike for over 10 years. I felt oddly emotional about leaving her in the shop to be recycled (for Africa!) That bike has taken me on a long symbolic journey , in the last 10 years so much has changed in my life and I have really reached a point where I don’t really recognise my life or myself back then , so much has changed ; for the better . And my dear old bike has been there all through out that time. Carrying me hundreds of miles to my destination today.
Today , I did some things on my list. I did a yoga class in my room which was just divine , no itchy irritable desire to stop , just divine deliciousness. I am writing here & I will take my supplements. You just got to keep trying haven’t you? And not beat yourself up .
Next month , I start a new job as a manager in my current team . I am going full time, something I blogged about never doing again. But I have also leaned into the fact that I can change my mind. I am softening out the edges of myself bit by bit.