This weekend I’m busy keeping my daughter alive.

“ I will kill myself , I’m obviously not going to tell you how “

I feel a level of tiredness that I don’t think I have experienced before , the fatigue is burrowing deep inside my eyeballs and my soul feels ever so weary that moving feels such an effort. I want to slip away into a deep level of unconsciousness and escape life.

Mid – week my 15 year old daughter took a large overdose . Last night we got discharged from hospital & told that the team will come and start work on Monday – ‘ but you have to keep her safe till then’ . My daughter doesn’t want to be safe , she wants to die. She wanted to be admitted , but they don’t ‘ do ‘ that for distressed , suicidal, risky children or in fact for worn out families who feel that their resources have been well and truly depleted .

So here we are early Saturday morning. We have lasted the night on shift work. My husband has gone to bed and I’m up , but I feel like a zombie. The last few days having taken its toll. It makes me wonder how people in a consistent stressful environments survive ?

My daughter is asleep. Snoring softly . I know this because we have taken her door away. That door has blocked my way to my daughter for many years . Many nights I’ve looked at That door in despair , wondering how she is behind it . Feeling utterly helpless to stem the flood of sadness and self loathing. To have it removed is like removing an old , nasty tooth . The relief that I get access to my girl whenever I want is huge. The decision to do it done with utter confidence considering her resolute pledge to die.

Taking each hour as it comes .

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