Life is disappointing , or perhaps people are. And the worse realisation is that I must also disappoint people. It’s quite a stark reality when you unpick the threads of relationships and interactions. I am not being deliberately gloomy or obtuse , I just sometimes need to sit for a moment in the dark corners of my life and understand them more so that I don’t sink into the abyss & reject what is essentially good.
People are messy , they come with all sorts of baggage, bias , habits & unresolved searching for their own importance in the minds of others. This I think is the main issue , we all seek to be important, loved , sought out , desired & loved completely by those around us. But this is a pipe dream which needs silencing. We disappoint & Others are woefully disappointing.
SO how do you come to sit with only yourself for company , with only your own voice to ensure that you remain whole. Acceptance I guess. That’s the key , acceptance of self and those who are important to you. Otherwise , a lonely life stretches ahead.
What has created this monster in my mind? My best friend not wanting me to come to South Africa with her. That is her home and in the past she has been enthusiastic about taking me there. I recently jested that this January might be the time to do it. I waited expectantly for a hint , an invite , a validation that this excites her , but none came. Then she casually says in conversation that she wants to go alone. I really get that wanting to go alone and not wanting me to come are not the same. I totally understand the yearning to get away from your life , escaping. Yet , I spend time trying to unpick where things shifted. Where I perhaps started to disappoint her. I also find myself feeling angry that she can say no to me so casually. In a throw away comment. How does she look after her own needs so vehemently. Maybe this is what gets my goat the most. I have to try quite hard to live my life for myself and not take responsibility for others happiness.
Anyway , this is what has led down this morose path this weekend. Such a solid friendship , but the cracks have started to reveal themselves. I think I spend my life believing that everything will be magical or perfect , do I expect everything in life to go my way? Do I expect to be loved by all I meet? Where did these expectations come from? How do I extract myself from the insatiable need to be filled by life and it’s journey? Perhaps it’s a good thing. Maybe always wanting and expecting things to be wonderful is a fine way to lead one’s life. It’s never really gone particularly wrong for me before. But then I wonder if I am actually a lonely person.. I have few close friends, I find people in general to be disappointing, Does that make me an egotist , or somewhat narcistic ? Or am I just loathe to be bored , unfulfilled or uninspired?
My best friend inspires me in many ways. But after this episode I found myself uncovering what I perceive to be her faults ; her cracks. Is this a defensive way of protecting myself from being not all that she felt I was? Or is it just a helpful exercise to uncover that people’s decisions and desires are unlikely to be anything to do with how disappointing I am , and much to do with their desire to be important to the people around them.