Always learning , always arrogant ..

When you think you know it all you become unteachable. Working with my sponsor on my general resentments of life has made me realise that I don’t have as much self awareness and self knowledge as I thought or imagined. I am so thankful that my heart remains open to learning and still has some semblance of humility . The most valuable thing I have learnt this week is that what others think about me is none of my fucking business!


Cherry clouds

It’s a real joy to start to become part of the 5am club and it’s happening naturally. So I have been getting up at 6am , but the last few days I have naturally woken up at 5am. Something about the new Spring light that starts to filter in beckons me out and I have trained myself now to just get up. I took the dog out at 6am this morning , it was a stunning morning and many of the blossoms are out , my favourite the Cherry blossom is in full bloom. They look so ethereal in the dawn light , their being is so mighty and beautiful, I want to drink them. And if you don’t get out before 7am , you never get the gift of the egg yolk sunrise, it doesn’t take the sun long to become almost bright white.

But I still can’t get rid of the harbouring annoyance that my husband sleeps on ! I have been up for hours and I just think , what a waste. Waste your life sleeping and then watching telly and I then wonder what our future looks like, we are 2 such different people now, wanting to do different things with our time – but that’s OK , as I also need the space and perhaps in living these separate lives and times, that gives me what I need.

I now have a Bearded Dragon , as well as a dog. My dog is very jealous. But my dragon is very dear to me , I wonder how one can adore a reptile so !

Day 13

3 meals a day

1500 calories

Slow eating

Not putting food in my mouth until I have finished my mouthful

Not choosing the biggest portion

Measuring my food

No alcohol

Going to bed early

No sugar and Fat

No sugar and flour

No Fat and salt.

Well , this is me , and by the grace of the powers of the earth . It works. I feel peaceful. I am astounded.

Abstinence once more ..

So I am 8 days back into abstinence. Back to Overeaters Anonymous, the place I never thought I would go back to. The place of rules, consistent literature and life long membership, of which I arrogantly decided that I would never need or want. And what brought me here, is interestingly from a place renowned with freedom and fluidity , which in the Steps , I saw as lacking and what I perceived to be the demise of the program.

SO from my yoga mat I was brought to my knees in desperation. NO longer able to twist into places which before were the norm, not able to hold my body weight , collapsing into the place of safety , the child’s pose, the instructor says to me ‘ just do what you need to do for your body‘ and I just broke. Stones of weight that has come back insidiously over the last few years and wrapped itself around my bones just literally weighing me down and I lament at how much I hate being FAT. January pledges came and went and I find myself 3 months later with my weight peaking and my inability to stop eating running away with me. OA has been on my mind over the last few weeks. The idea pricking away at my mind , wrestling with the ambivalence.

But come a couple of days later and some re-reading of the basic literature I am actually suddenly inspired and refreshed – I was struck by some addiction teaching about the basic premises of pathways in the mind. And my motorway of overeating was well established , well lit up and easy to use – but in the corner of my mind, I knew that there was that dusty path that had worked and had been walked. I needed to exit the motorway , destined to be going in the opposite direction I wanted to go and my speed was increasing.

So I sit here, 8 days in , after such an odd week of inspiring abstinence , knowing that on my own I could have never had done this. I decided that my higher power is called Mighty Force , but also known as Mother Fucker. I love the phrase motherfucker, it’s badass and it reverberates off the tongue and it just encapsulates my God. My previous God was the Conservative Christian one, The Lord Jesus, who I still place as part of my powers , but in my own way , with my own rules. Not one drawn up by the patriarchy.

And it feels like a haze, I feel channels of peace & creativity opening up and I wonder why – why haven’t I written, poems? Started projects? Because I have been so into the goddamn food I have been blinded. I can’t even pinpoint where I started to slip into the invisible hell. So insidiously has my weight and my addiction to food been – so cunning – the mind.

The deadening space.

I last wrote in September nearly 6 months ago . I dearly love reading back on my entries , I really must make more of an effort. I have been writing in my new paper book this year , with my new fountain pen , which is maybe why, but I think I enjoy typing more. I think it’s a comfort thing , after a page or so , my fingers get numb. But there is something so grounding and cathartic about using pen and paper, yet I find myself able to write much more organically when I type. It’s like my mind and my typing are connected in perfect fluidity , but my writing hand is slow and clumsy and my handwriting is never consistently nice. I remember struggling with this as a child, wanting to start a book really neatly , and then being so disappointed when my handwriting just became more haphazard and out of control . I want to write as fast as I think and on paper I just can’t do that .. But there is something about books , that I love. I can’t read on a kindle. I have to have a book.

Anyway , so much has happened since I last wrote on my journal here. Today marks the day where I finally finish as Team Manager, I have some leave next week and then I start back in the community. I am really quite looking forward it. Although I enjoy the laziness of WFH and not having to leave the house much , I know , like going to the gym, I will be happier for it. Off about in my little car , visiting and being in control of my own world. What will I not miss? All the meetings you are meant to be at & the expectation to be at all other things. Having to play an active role in all these meetings, rather than sit back and let someone else take responsibility . Not having to supervise people will be my biggest pleasure. Just the thought of not having to prop these people up , constantly thinking about their needs. I think that is the crux of it, I have too many peoples’ needs to think about.

SO , I reach my annual leave , I am sober , after having pledged to give up alcohol for 100 days / For good ? Who knows. Without the normal way I would celebrate , chill out – I don’t know how to mark this event. Without a glass of bubbly! That’s sad in 2 ways for me , sad that I can’t do it and have that buzz, that deadening of the space between – and sad that I rely so much , or my culture does on alcohol to mark things, good and bad!? It plays such an intrinsic part of life’s tapestry in my world , how do you unpick the threads and go off in a different direction? So I thought , I could do what I like to do best ; cleaning , or clearing an area of my world. Writing , or reading & having an early night. Don’t those things sound like the epitomey of self care compared to a glass of a toxin to the body?

I will have to get used to the lack of emails as well. I have noticed already this week , how few I have recieved. Even though there was pressure there, there was also the similar response that you get to a little red notification! That buzz of something that needs you . I think I require this week off , to disentangle myself out of it all. I think my mind is heavily invested in all the dramas of work , all the things that need my attention, It has on one hand been good for my very needy mind, but it’s also been exhausting it. I hope to improve on my mental wellbeing giving up this role , but I also sense I will need to give myself some space and activities to re – establish some sort of balance.

I guess I am also a bit pissed off at the lack of pomp , or ceremony that has failed to happen at my leaving. I know I remain in the same team and my leaving was announced so long ago, but I thought I might have at least had a thank you card, or a little Goodbye Teams meeting. All the meetings I have held to say goodbye to various people and there isn’t even one held for me , I know I hold importance to transitions and endings , from my time in WCNS. This would have never passed without a huge reflection on how it feels, what it is like for me and others – and I mourn that space to process. I guess that’s why it is taking up so much of the page , as I am self caring in allowing myself to just type what I need to type.