The deadening space.

I last wrote in September nearly 6 months ago . I dearly love reading back on my entries , I really must make more of an effort. I have been writing in my new paper book this year , with my new fountain pen , which is maybe why, but I think I enjoy typing more. I think it’s a comfort thing , after a page or so , my fingers get numb. But there is something so grounding and cathartic about using pen and paper, yet I find myself able to write much more organically when I type. It’s like my mind and my typing are connected in perfect fluidity , but my writing hand is slow and clumsy any my handwriting is never consistently nice. I remember struggling with this as a child, wanting to start a book really neatly , and then being so disappointed when my handwriting just became more haphazard and out of control . I want to write as fast as I think and on paper I just can’t do that .. But there is something about books , that I love. I can’t read on a kindle. I have to have a book.

Anyway , so much has happened since I last wrote on my journal here. Today marks the day where I finally finish as Team Manager, I have some leave next week and then I start back in the community. I am really quite looking forward it. Although I enjoy the laziness of WFH and not having to leave the house much , I know , like going to the gym, I will be happier for it. Off about in my little car , visiting and being in control of my own world. What will I not miss? All the meetings you are meant to be at,

& the expectation to be at all other things. Having to play an active role in all these meetings, rather than sit back and let someone else take responsibility . Not having to supervise people will be my biggest pleasure. Just the thought of not having to prop these people up , constantly thinking about their needs. I think that is the crux of it, I have too many peoples’ needs to think about.

SO , I reach my annual leave , I am sober , after having pledged to give up alcohol for 100 days / For good ? Who knows. Without the normal way I would celebrate , chill out – I don’t know how to mark this event. Without a glass of bubbly! That’s sad in 2 ways for me , sad that I can’t do it and have that buzz, that deadening of the space between – and sad that I rely so much , or my culture does on alcohol to mark things, good and bad!? It plays such an intrinsic part of life’s tapestry in my world , how do you unpick the threads and go off in a different direction? So I thought , I could do what I like to do best ; cleaning , or clearing an area of my world. Writing , or reading & having an early night. Don’t those things sound like the epitomey of self care compared to a glass of a toxin to the body?

I will have to get used to the lack of emails as well. I have noticed already this week , how few I have recieved. Even though there was pressure there, there was also the similar response that you get to a little red notification! That buzz of something that needs you . I think I require this week off , to disentangle myself out of it all. I think my mind is heavily invested in all the dramas of work , all the things that need my attention, It has on one hand been good for my very needy mind, but it’s also been exhausting it. I hope to improve on my mental wellbeing giving up this role , but I also sense I will need to give myself some space and activities to re – establish some sort of balance.

I guess I am also a bit pissed off at the lack of pomp , or ceremony that has failed to happen at my leaving. I know I remain in the same team and my leaving was announced so long ago, but I thought I might have at least had a thank you card, or a little Goodbye Teams meeting. All the meetings I have held to say goodbye to various people and there isn’t even one held for me , I know I hold importance to transitions and endings , from my time in WCNS. This would have never passed without a huge reflection on how it feels, what it is like for me and others – and I mourn that space to process. I guess that’s why it is taking up so much of the page , as I am self caring in allowing myself to just type what I need to type.

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