Abstinence once more ..

So I am 8 days back into abstinence. Back to Overeaters Anonymous, the place I never thought I would go back to. The place of rules, consistent literature and life long membership, of which I arrogantly decided that I would never need or want. And what brought me here, is interestingly from a place renowned with freedom and fluidity , which in the Steps , I saw as lacking and what I perceived to be the demise of the program.

SO from my yoga mat I was brought to my knees in desperation. NO longer able to twist into places which before were the norm, not able to hold my body weight , collapsing into the place of safety , the child’s pose, the instructor says to me ‘ just do what you need to do for your body‘ and I just broke. Stones of weight that has come back insidiously over the last few years and wrapped itself around my bones just literally weighing me down and I lament at how much I hate being FAT. January pledges came and went and I find myself 3 months later with my weight peaking and my inability to stop eating running away with me. OA has been on my mind over the last few weeks. The idea pricking away at my mind , wrestling with the ambivalence.

But come a couple of days later and some re-reading of the basic literature I am actually suddenly inspired and refreshed – I was struck by some addiction teaching about the basic premises of pathways in the mind. And my motorway of overeating was well established , well lit up and easy to use – but in the corner of my mind, I knew that there was that dusty path that had worked and had been walked. I needed to exit the motorway , destined to be going in the opposite direction I wanted to go and my speed was increasing.

So I sit here, 8 days in , after such an odd week of inspiring abstinence , knowing that on my own I could have never had done this. I decided that my higher power is called Mighty Force , but also known as Mother Fucker. I love the phrase motherfucker, it’s badass and it reverberates off the tongue and it just encapsulates my God. My previous God was the Conservative Christian one, The Lord Jesus, who I still place as part of my powers , but in my own way , with my own rules. Not one drawn up by the patriarchy.

And it feels like a haze, I feel channels of peace & creativity opening up and I wonder why – why haven’t I written, poems? Started projects? Because I have been so into the goddamn food I have been blinded. I can’t even pinpoint where I started to slip into the invisible hell. So insidiously has my weight and my addiction to food been – so cunning – the mind.

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