If you drink or take drugs , at least you can consciously stay away from those things , but when you have an addiction to sugar and have been a compulsive overeater for 30 odd years , things just ain’t that simple.
Last night I had a chinese , I ate too much , it’s not a crime to have a chinese, but for me it could be a slipperly slope. I realise now , that all the those times , those pivotal moments when you ‘ give up the diet ‘ are simply moments of relapse. It’s just now , it has a name. It’s not just me getting fed up and thinking ‘ sod it ‘ , it is a relaspe from an addiction and an illness.
This morning , whilst cycling to work, I gave myself a lecture. I often imagine , what on earth people must think when I am yacking away to myself on my bike , but actually, I simply do not give a damn. Talking to oneself while cycling or walking , or talking to God, which is kind of the same thing – you’re either talking to yourself while God listens or you are talking directly to God. I find both equally helpful when I am in the midst of negative thoughts and old pathways.
So , it essentially went something like this.. ” here you are, beating yourself up about some crisps at the weekend, having a chinese, and generally eating too much dark chocolate , is that all you can think about ? What about how you have changed your life over the last few months, become clean , lost 2.5 stones, reinvented your thinking, resolved to love the child that took on board too much negativity ? You have forgotton what you have learnt. You have empowered yourself so much that you have been struck powerless by what has always frightened you , the fear that you can’t do it, the fear that you will always be fat , the fear that , you can’t change! “
So , on my journey through London’s hectic streets this morning , I gave myself some self love, I asked God to replenish in me my self control and desire to be greater for him. I tasked myself for the upcoming weekend and holiday period ;
3 questions to ask myself before food :
1) Have you prayed? (for mindful eating, slow eating & non compulsive eating)
2) Are you hungry ?
3) Is it nourishing for the body and mind?
And today , I do feel better. Slow recovery is all encompassing, time to learn , time to discover and grow and I need to remember that and not rush.
Food will not dictate my life.