It’s a new phase in my life. The full moon that has just shone its magic energy and has reinvigorated my desire for goodness, wholeness, oneness , clarity , containment , structure, peace , self control and alignment with my true self .
With the Spring equinox there is a new flow in my being , I am more self contained , more self aware, less anxious about what people think of me. I have more confidence.
I have finally begun regular meditation , I have been procrastinating about this for a long time… Months ! Listening to Russel Brand’s audio book helped me to commit. There’s something very soothing about his rather nasal , irritating voice, which is peppered with words I don’t understand.
I watch myself from that higher place ; every morning , before I pull back the covers and get up , ceremoniously scrolling through fucking reams of drivel on my various feeds. Feed is such an appropriate yet murky word, it feeds your toxic soul. Looking at other people’s lives & opinions . What the fuck am I doing ? So this week , I have used my phone before I rise simply to set a 10 minute timer , to enable a period of meditation before I leave my warm cocoon to face my days. It has been a subtle yet super transformation. I have been at work this week and felt in a flow , unlike anything I have experienced before, I am able to process my reaction to something , before reacting. I am able to sense my negative thinking and drive it off the next mindful cliff. I am able to speak my thoughts in a clear and coherent way , without feeling rushed, or searching for the fucking word that I want. I have used the word Fuck a lot. And it feels fucking good. I have agreed to go to a church event with a friend, knowing that all her aim is , is to bring me back to the fold. And that’s OK , it makes her happy that I am coming and I don’t need to carry any shit in that church with me , I am not concerned about what people may be thinking , or that they are secretly praying away for my salvation. That’s OK , because it’s theirs . They need that.
My children are constant teachers for my soul . Their issues which cause me all manner of anxiety and angst , are valuable tools in which to re-align my place in the Universe. They tether me to that place which knows that this time, this planet and its expectations and rules is all a fabrication of collective consciousness and I don’t need to conform. One refuses to go to school. One left college to smoke weed.
Where does this leave me? Oddly , in place of serenity . I have no control . I have no power. Their journey , their passage through life is unclear. What is clear , is that I just need to continue to just Be. Be here. Be kind . Be honest. Shed the clones of western society and allow them to just Be too. My addiction to food was birthed out of the need to be seen, the need to feel important. I will not just see problem children. I will just see them. Their characters, jokes that they share, their angry outbursts. I refuse to push into them the world’s bullshit. So what , if my daughter doesn’t get an education which is confined to a neat GCSE table of results. If she never goes back to school and stays in bed for 5 years then I can either become ill with the stress of that , or I can be her mum when she does get up and greet her for who she is.
My son just reminds me of myself. Impulsive, adventurous , totally in the moment. I do worry that his drive for pleasure will lead him astray . But I try to push these worries off the same said cliff.